


Recursive Return

by LigeiaMaloy



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depression, F/M, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Mindfuck, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 15:03:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7689154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LigeiaMaloy/pseuds/LigeiaMaloy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard’s death took a toll on Garrus’ health. He refuses to believe she died the day she destroyed the reapers. As he feels his sanity slowly slipping away, he decides there’s only way to help him: He has to find her, dead or alive. If he only sees here, the nightmares and daydreams slipping into reality will hopefully stop. But, after all the pain and horrors he has felt and experienced, curing his heart and mind might not be so simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recursive Return

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 2nd fic I wrote for [the same prompt](http://masseffectmayhem.tumblr.com/post/148517288711/choose-your-ending), because I can! 
> 
> Please check the warnings. If you like angst but are uncomfortable with reality-mindfucks, you'll probably enjoy ["Choose Your Ending"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7689217) (the other approach) more.
> 
> And this one also on [tumblr.](http://masseffectmayhem.tumblr.com/post/148517332751/recursive-return)
> 
> Shout out and a big thank you ♥ for [Sisyphe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sisyphe/pseuds/Sisyphe) for her encouragement and error-hunting!

“It’s your fault!” A delicate web cracked through the glass beneath Garrus’ fist. “If you hadn’t shown up, she’d still be…” A scream vibrating with all his helplessness forced itself through his clenched teeth. His second punch broke through the display case. Fine glass shards reflected the dim light as they cascaded to the floor of Shepard’s quarter.

An unintelligible yell echoed through the room. His fingers closed around Sovereign’s ship model. Sharp edges of the destroyed glass panel ripped through Garrus’ uniform, scratching his skin open when he pulled back his arm.

He hurled the model to the floor. Its parts didn’t offer any resistance when he stomped on it, in a fit of blind rage, leaving nothing but a flat pile of broken plastic.

His chest was heaving, he gasped for air through his open mouth, his throat dry and devoid of words. That damn ship model, it was worthless, so easy to destroy, as easily as the reapers had destroyed the happiness he had just found.

This was worse than the void that had filled him the first day. His heart dark and his soul empty, his head had been in a daze, freed of hope, fear, and sadness. The moment he realized how unnatural this state was, that he hoped his feelings would return to him one day, the anger came. No, it hadn’t just come. It had fallen over him, engulfed him, burnt him from inside and was eating away what was left of him.

What had been a daze was a raging fever demanding its tribute, and there it was, the worst: There were no reapers left for him to satisfy this hunger.

Shepard was gone.

His neck twitched, pulling his head back as though his body wanted to force another scream out of him.

She was gone, and she wouldn’t return.

He spun around, grabbing her office chair.

The dead never return.

He hauled the chair through the air and smashed it into the display.

The remaining glass broke from the frame. The first Normandy, shuttles, the Destiny Ascension, the Shadow Broker Base - they all shattered under the impact, their parts scattering over her desk and floor.

“Garrus, neither turian nor human mourning rituals list the destruction of the possessions of a lost friend. Psychologists suggest to more efficient methods to overcome the second stage of-”

“SHUT UP!” A growl he once had only thought the brutes be capable off rolled through his words. “You don’t know anything!” Glass and plastic crumbled under his feet as he paced through the room, his head jerking from right to left and his glare searching for anything to glare at.

“Garrus, studies have shown that-”

“SHUT UP! Before I make you!” His mandibles trembled, so did his fists. EDI’s bodiless voice was coming from everywhere, giving him nothing to punch at. “Stop lecturing me, you heartless piece of code!”

The sharp sound of his breathing was cutting through the air and drilled into his ears. Silence reflected his last blow against EDI. He looked around, spotting the chair stuck in the display. The only weapon in reach to fight off the stabs his words inflicted on himself.

Mandibles dropped, his teeth revealed, he walked towards the aquarium.

“Garrus,” EDI’s voice tried to break through the dark clouds in his mind. “I asked for adequate assistance to help you.”

_ I don’t need anyone. Not after the only one I ever needed left without me. _

Familiar voices called his name. He turned around as he tried to make sense of them. He was so tired.

“Liara? Tali? What are you doing here?” He scratched his neck, and a chair dropped to the floor. “Where did that come from?”

“Garrus, are you okay?”

He almost chuckled. Liara’s eyes were wide and round, pushing back the deep frown. It was like her face couldn’t make up its mind.

“Keelah…” Tali took his hand into hers, shaking her head. He looked down. The thick skin of his knuckles was split open, his hand and fingers were covered with his blue blood.

“How…” His head jerked up, and he flinched. Another headache. And his stomach threatened to turn if he didn’t lie down soon.

“How much did I drink last night?” Gently, he pulled his hand free and flexed his fingers. They hurt, but nothing seemed to be broken.

Liara sighed, her sad smile began to worry him. He looked at Tali, but instead of mocking him for getting wasted she only stared at the floor. No, at his feet. Garrus looked down as well. To his surprise, he wasn’t wearing boots, he wasn’t even wearing his uniform or armor. Just casual pants, a casual shirt, and his bare toes and feet were standing on a carpet that slowly darkened with his blood.

*

“And then you finally realized it was high time to come to me.”

“Yes. Well, more or less.” Garrus chuckled, pushing his body into a more comfortable position. The chairs in the Normandy’s medical bay were built to accommodate the physiques of turians and humans alike and achieved to be uncomfortable for both. He thought of making a little joke, to relax the atmosphere, but the friendly concern in Dr. Chakwas’s face stopped him.

“Liara and Tali convinced me it’s not as undignified to talk to you as I thought.” He looked at his feet. He was wearing soft slippers, the doctor’s advice after she had removed the last glass splinter. The flesh tingled as medigel did its work to repair the damage. Damn, he wished he could scratch, but didn’t dare to under Chakwas’ watchful eyes.

“It certainly isn’t. And it’s new to me that turians think differently about seeking help after experiencing trauma.”

“Turians know about the damage a good mind can suffer under certain circumstances, and seeking help is as acceptable for us as it’s for humans,” he replied, rather stiffly. “It’s also the end of any military career.”

“If that’s so I assume there won’t be many soldiers left among the survivors of this war.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” He sighed. He wasn’t in the mood to fight, and he was still tired. At least the headache was gone, thanks to the doctor.

“I’m not mocking you, Garrus. The war has taken its toll on all of us. The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can move on.”

He felt Chakwas studying his face, and he took the liberty to do the same with her. She, too, looked tired, with large shadows under her eyes. Her silver hair was disheveled. He had never paid much attention to her wrinkles, but yet he was sure they had deepened and increased in numbers.

“Are you telling me to forget…her?” He hadn’t said her name since she had left him behind to end this war alone.

“That wouldn’t be healthy. But Garrus, it’s also not healthy to vandalize Shepard’s quarter. Or to demolish it, as Liara and Tali described it. And yourself.” She nodded at his arm. His hand was as good as healed, but as magical as medigel sometimes was, it didn’t remove blue blood stains from gray sleeves.

“And it was the fourth time, Garrus. At first, it was just pillows, books, and papers. This time, you destroyed her ship collection, showcase included, and were about to do the same to the aquarium.” She sighed when he flinched, finally showing a smile. He preferred her calm, professional face. If he wanted pity he’d go to Liara.

“You really don’t remember anything?” she prompted, and he shrugged.

“I told you, I was talking with EDI, Tali, and Joker after dinner. About the remaining Mass Relays. After that, I went to bed.” Garrus closed his eyes, searching his memories for pictures that made sense. “Next, Liara and Tali show up. Like the other times. Only this time, I was standing on broken glass and toy ships.”

“Is there anything else? Any thoughts, or feelings? Or dreams?”

“No. Or, wait.” He opened his eyes, meeting her inquiring look with a stern glare. “I thought of her. Her face. What she’s going to think when she returns and sees the mess. Damn, can’t believe how much you can think in only one second.”

“Garrus.” The doctor disappeared behind the kindness of a friend who shared his grief. She reached out, putting her hand on his. “She can’t come back.”

“She came back before when we needed her. And if I’m not enough for her to return, maybe her precious collection is.”

Chakwas’ hand twitched back, and she stiffened. He read the surprise on her face and envied her. If a few hard words could still surprise her she was in a better state than him.

“I apologize, Doctor. Can I go now? I’m tired. I promise, I only want to find some sleep before I have to join the next discussion how to rebuild the galaxy.” He should apologize to EDI as well. He wasn’t sure why, but his gut insisted.

“Maybe you’re right.” Dr. Chakwas left her chair and headed for one of the cabinets. “I’m giving you something that should prevent you from sleepwalking.” She filled a cup with water and handed it to him, along with a pill.

He swallowed it, drank the water, and gave the empty cup back to her.

“Thanks, Doctor. And good night.”

“Come back tomorrow. We have a lot to talk about.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He left the med bay with no intention to return unless he was bleeding to death.

*

Why was he here again?

A jolt shot through Garrus, and he was wide awake. He was moving, stomping down the corridor leading to the bridge. His hands clenched around an M-15 Vindicator, his assault rifle.

Why? Strange. The last thing he remembered was lying to the doctor about his nightmares.

Every night, since they had left her behind. She was still out there, and she was still alive, but nobody came for her. How was she supposed to return if nobody helped her up?

Ah, yes, things were beginning to make sense when the door to the bridge opened.

Joker spun around in his chair, his mouth gaping open when he looked at the barrel of an assault rifle.

“We have to hurry before it’s too late,” Garrus growled, his finger twitching around the trigger. EDI jumped out of her seat, but Joker raised his hand, gesturing her to wait.

“Sure, man, whatever you want. Whatever it is you want. How about some details?”

Damn, this human never took anything seriously, did he? Joker was tense, but more out of curiosity than fear and Garrus wondered how many projectiles it would take to wipe that grin off his face for good. Not that he wanted to shoot Joker, he needed him. Also, they were friends, but right now friendship wasn’t on top his priority list.

“We’re rescuing Shepard.”

“D’uh.” Joker lifted his cap, his other hand running through his hair. “You know me, I’m not one to argue with a gun. That’s pointed at me. Held by an insane turian. Just kidding, just kidding.” Joker raised both his hands in defense when Garrus growled at him. “But, man, Garrus. It’s been almost a week… Shepard was my friend, too, but do you really think there’s much left to rescue?”

“Jeff.”

“What?” Joker turned at EDI, rolling his eyes when she shook her head and frowned at him.

“Sorry, poor choice of word. But you get my drift!” He returned his attention back to Garrus.

“We’ll see when we’re there. I’m not giving up until I see her with my own eyes, dead or alive.” Alive. Everything in him screamed ‘Alive!’. It was what he saw every night since the destruction of the reapers. Shepard, alive, breathing.

But the small voice of reason in him whispered he’d improve his odds if he appeared somewhat sane to his friends. How sane he really was he had no idea.

All he know was he had to see her if he ever wanted to have a peaceful night again, without nightmares, without drugs suppressing his new habit of sleepwalking.

“Okay.” Joker’s fingers were flying over his control panels before his chair had resumed its former position.

“Jeff, the odds of retrieving Commander Shepard’s body in a recognizable condition are less than 1%. Finding her alive is zero.”

“EDI, I’m proud of your progress at making jokes, but now it’s time to learn something new about humans.”

“What do you mean, Jeff?”

“Hope.”

Garrus was standing frozen on the spot, his tired mind trying to understand what was happening in front of him.

“And you, put that gun away already.” Joker grinned as he looked over his shoulder. “I’d have hijacked the Normandy days ago, I just needed someone to do the heavy lifting. Or do I look like I’m suddenly able to climb and jump over rubble and dead reapers?”

*

“What?!” This wasn’t the bridge. Garrus’ foot slipped away. His arms flailing, he slid down a pile of rubble . He reached the ground, stumbled a few steps forwards, and caught his balance. His face burning beneath his plates he hurried to pick up his Mantis.

EDI joined his position with a few graceful jumps, her face not giving away if she judged his clumsy performance.

“I was talking to Jeff,” EDI answered his question. “I acknowledged his judgment of his usefulness outside the Normandy. Furthermore, I mentioned I am beginning to understand the concept of surprise. I think that was what I was having when he surprised us with his diplomatic skills and reasoning.”

“You feel surprise, or are surprised, you don’t have it,” Garrus mumbled. Her words weren’t helping him to put his brain back together. The bridge, Chakwas… No, Chakwas wasn’t on the bridge, he had talked to her the night before. He saw faded images of Joker speaking to the crew, siding with Garrus. He didn’t remember what Joker had said, but there had been Liara’s voice, agreeing with them. And Tali, talking about relief. No, she hadn’t been talking, she was cursing Joker for wasting more time.

Hope.

That was all he had left after his memories failed him, and the surface was already cracking. A delicate web on a fragile glass panel beneath a fist.

EDI’s voice faded from his mind and he continued his way down the Crucible’s remains.

What hadn’t been scattered across the Sol system after its destruction floated in silence. Space itself existed in endless patience, a wide darkness unperturbed by wars and reapers and loved ones who might or might not be dead.

Voices whispered through his head, or maybe it was just Tali who had skipped ahead. She was fast and nimble, equipped with the technology to warn them of unstable structures. Garrus had seen through her reasoning, sensible as it was, it also was a disguise to cover her distrust in his current judgment.

One second he saw his quarian friend, the next she was gone. This place wasn’t made to host life. Many hands and minds had built the Crucible in a short time, but it had refused the fragments of their souls.

Walls of homes spoke of laughter and tears, those of ships carried the hopes and fears of their creators and crew.

The Crucible carried death, an abstract Grim Reaper that had fallen into ruins to become its own graveyard.

Garrus thought he heard it calling, to lie down and become a part of it, all while space around him crushed him and pulled him into its infinite depths at the same time.

He was cold, he was lost, and as his steps led him further into the wreckage, the growing hopelessness was overshadowed by his fear.

The fear that again, this was one of his nightmares, and as soon as he would see her, he’d wake up, alone in his bed, or standing in her cabin, broken parts of her ship models cutting his feet.

Tali was waiting for him and EDI inside the Crucible. Enclosed in a dark hall, he hardly noticed the working gravity. She looked at Garrus, as though she tried to read his face through his helmet, and turned to EDI. Garrus tried to listen, but the Crucible didn’t allow voices beside its silence. If it had words, they’d tell him to give up. They had reached her grave, and before his eyes stood her gravestone - a wall of debris, three men high, blocking their way.

“Climbing it is dangerous, Garrus.” Tali put a hand on his arm. “One wrong step and we’re buried under this junk. Gravity, here of all places… It’s like a warning.”

“I’m not returning without her, Tali.” He brushed off her hand and inspected the wall for a good spot to place his foot.

“Wait.” EDI stepped forward, pulling him back. “I suggest you stand back. I’ve calculated the breaking point. If I shoot it from a short distance with your shotgun the wall collapses and should be easy to climb.”

“Which means you’ll be buried under this junk,” Tali said, crossing her arms. “This is my definition of dangerous.”

“According to my calculation, this body is able to withstand the impact with minor damages.” EDI held out her hands, waiting for Tali to hand over her shotgun, and nodded at Garrus. “I haven’t completed my understanding of hope, but I have learned that following Shepard and Jeff accomplishes more of your abstract concepts than following my algorithms. I suggest to continue our way and find Shepard.”

“Do you have the numbers to support this suggestion?” Tali’s voice was dry, covering an uneasiness her twitching feet and hands betrayed.

“No, it’s a - how did Jeff call it the other day - gut feeling.”

“Well, I’m not one to argue the Normandy’s gut feeling.” With a heavy sigh, Tali gave EDI her shotgun. “Come, Vakarian, let’s take cover.”

*

“Vakarian? Garrus!”

His head jerked up, and he jumped out of his chair at hearing his name and the sound of snapping fingers.

“I’m sorry.” He set down, rubbing his forehead. The pounding headache from this morning was still there. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, Garrus Vakarian! Wake up! Don’t you dare to fall asleep again during our session!” The doctor laughed, and he felt a little comforted. She was nice and understanding. “Take a minute to collect your thoughts before we continue.”

“Sure.” He smiled back. She really was nice. He took a deep breath and looked out of the window. The Citadel was wearing its scars of the war with dignity and was proudly recovering. Ruins receded where rebuilds invaded their space, and among all priorities, many hands had found time to cultivate green parks and blooming trees. Peace was growing over the past destruction. Why shouldn’t it, it had been almost a year.

Only his damned mind refused to move on.

“Another dream?” the gentle doctor asked.

“Yeah. Same as last night.”

“Please tell me about it.”

“Again? Must be a fascinating story.” He laughed, and she joined him. He had been skeptical of talking to an asari therapist at first. He expected someone like Liara, or Samara, and wasn’t sure what would have been worse - the pity or the motherly attitude. But talking to Dr. T’La was surprisingly easy, she was like a friend who didn’t know him well enough to pity him.

“It is. Which part were you visiting right now?” She switched off her datapad and put it on her lap. He knew she would update it after their session, but he still relaxed. It was easier to talk when she wasn’t recording him, or added remarks into his record.

He closed his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t fall asleep again as he recalled the images from a moment ago.

He saw himself helping Tali to dig out EDI. They both were worried. EDI’s body was strong, but not indestructible, and it wouldn’t have been the first time for EDI to mimic the very organic habit of twisting the truth to the point of telling white lies.

But there hadn’t been a reason to worry. EDI opened her eyes and was talking while they pulled her out of the rubble.

Garrus left inspecting her to Tali. The path had opened for him, and it was time for him to find the truth.

In his memory, they walked down a long, twisted corridor, the walls narrow and bleak and broken. Which wasn’t possible, there was still gravity. But what did he know, as far as he was concerned, he had just been talking with Dr. Chakwas. Was that before or after he had wrecked Shepard’s ship collection?

“I… the memories are overlapping again.”

“What about the movements?”

“Right.”

He turned around, but instead of Dr. T’La, he saw Tali, standing still, a trembling finger pointing ahead.

“Did you see that? Something moved!”

He looked into the direction she was pointing. He had seen it, too. Something scuttling through the shadows, but until Tali’s gasp, he had thought his imagination was tricking him.

“I don’t read any weapon activity. The scans reveal a non-humanoid build, but no life signals.” EDI took the lead, her omni-tool checking their surroundings for any signs of their fellow intruder. Tali and Garrus activated their guns, ready to fire if - impossible as it seemed - a reaper crossed their path.

A shape crept out of a pile of debris, positioning itself in their way.

Garrus froze on the spot, his brain refusing what his eyes saw.

“Keelah!”

“A keeper.” EDI walked up to the bug-like critter, waving her omni-tool. “It doesn’t show signs of hostility. Unfortunately, I cannot tell what it wants, or if it’s defect.”

“What is a keeper doing here?!” Tali made sure to remain behind EDI, her shotgun aiming at the thing that indeed looked like a keeper. “I thought they only cared for the Citadel. If caring is the right word.”

“Weird.” Garrus lowered his weapon and stepped towards the keeper. “Hey. We’re looking for… somebody.” Now, wasn’t he foolish. There he was, talking to a keeper, on the Crucible, and all this might as well still be part of a nightmare. And still, he was unable to say her name.

Suddenly, the keeper turned around and hurried down the corridor.

“Come, after it!” Garrus yelled, and he and his friends ran after this new mystery.

“This is - a surprise. Yes, I’m certain I am surprised.”

“Good for you, EDI, we’ll celebrate this milestone of your self-discovery later.”

“Thank you. I know you’re sarcastic, and I pretend to not notice to-”

“Mess with each other all you want, later!” Garrus shouted, the volume of his voice distorting the radio signal and ringing in his ears.

He wasn’t asleep. His heart hammered against his ribs as he spurted forward, and his breathing was too fast for the speed he was running at. The keeper was fast, but not too fast for him. It was almost as though they were in a hurry and not on a chase.

Until it stopped, and Garrus caught up.

“It led us there. I swear it wanted us to follow.”

“Assuming they are able to want, what did it want to show you?”

Tali and EDI vanished from the images, and Dr. T’La took their place.

“It’s her. Yeah, I know, it could only be her, who else should have been there. But even if a whole civilization had died on this damn thing, I’d have known it was her.

Her heart was beating and she wasn’t alone, and I have no idea what surprised me more.”

This dreadful sight of hope and death. Her heart beating against her ribcage, creating the image of what he felt. He slowly walked closer, afraid to scare the keeper by her side away. He didn’t dare to look, but couldn’t tear his eyes away. The critter had connected itself with her, its energy keeping her chest heaving and her blood flowing. That was all she was, a torso connected with the artificial creature through her cybernetics. The rest of her was still buried under the collapsed structure.

“Spirits…” Why he treated a keeper like a living being he couldn’t tell, but he had to be careful not to scare it away, at all cost. He knelt down behind her, or where he thought was behind her, and began to remove the debris from her body. Piece by piece, he came closer to the answer if this was hope or a final goodbye.

Her half-open eyes stared into the distance. Her face was still, peaceful and as beautiful as he remembered under the new cuts and the old cybernetics shimmering through.

“Maybe that’s what attracted the keeper. A functioning being, but not one hundred percent organic. Maybe they saw her as a part of the Citadel after all that happened and decided they had to keep her functioning.”

“Maybe.” Keeper-logic, dream-logic, it didn’t matter. In the end, it was absurd. Unbelievable. Impossible.

He was holding her body, her hand, and he wouldn’t return without her, as he had promised. EDI and Tali were back, their voices buzzing through his head while he was holding her. The anger was gone, and emptiness was spreading through him, from his fingers, where he touched her cold skin. She was still breathing, but also, the room was spinning once she closed her eyes, and the feet rushing around him belonged to his friends or to keepers. She wasn’t there to tell him where hope ended and the endless loop of anger and denial began.

“You have to move on, Garrus Vakarian.”

“There’s no Shepard without Vakarian, that’s what she said.” He buried his face in his hands, refusing to sob. “It’s been a year. There’s nothing I want more to do than going on. Why can’t I let go? How long will these dreams haunt me?”

“I don’t know, Garrus, but it’s not unusual. A trauma needs time to heal. And even then there’s no guarantee you’ll never have a nightmare again. Or sleepwalk. But it will get better.”

“But what if I lose my sanity before it gets better, doctor? What if it’s not her cabin next time, but the bridge? Again? You know Joker’s pissed off when he tells you he can’t see the joke.” Garrus wanted to laugh, but all he managed was a hollow noise that scratched the back of his throat. “Why is this happening to me?”

“Garrus.” Dr. T’La leaned forward and put her hand on his, like Liara, like Tali, like Dr. Chakwas before her. Like her. “Your happiness, your love for Commander Shepard was ended by a war worse than any nightmare. You couldn’t cope with the loss, threatened your friends, and what you saw on the Crucible - can you really blame your soul for confusing memories with reality with nightmares? A part of your subconscious is still caught between denial and anger over losing her, and when you’re asleep, this part takes control.”

“Can’t you kill it with a pill, or cut it out? I had come to like my sane self, and I’d like to have it back.” He frowned when she laughed. She’d laugh every time he said this, and he’d keep asking for an easy solution until this… nightmare… was over.

“I’m afraid you have to be patient. Don’t worry, Garrus. Sooner or later, you’ll be able to accept reality. I’m here to help you, and so is everyone else.” She looked past him, then glanced at her datapad. “Time’s over for today. Let’s meet again in four days. Call me if you need me sooner.”

“Thanks, Dr. Chakwas.” He yawned, and stood up.

“Dr. T’La, Garrus. Don’t forget to take your pills again, you need sleep if you want to recover. Ah, look!” Dr. T’La stood up when the door behind him opened, putting the datapad down on her chair. “My next patient arrived on time for once.”

He turned around, and the memories fell from him.

“Hey, you.” He moved out of his chair, reaching her before she could greet the doctor.

“Hey yourself. I have a name, you know.” She laughed when their foreheads touched. Her fingers, more cybernetics than bones, caressed his mandibles.

“I know.” He closed his eyes and kissed her, praying to the spirits he’d still be here if he opened them again, with her, her warm body in his arms. Not alone in her cabin, his skin cut and bleeding while he waited for her return.


End file.
